perfect

via (danske)

I was so nervous sitting on the table right before our second ultrasound.

my heart was racing, my stomach in knots (but, also oddly feeling like it was floating), adrenaline coursing.

then the words I have been longing to hear

"perfect"

we have a perfect little, tiny baby.

with a perfect little, tiny heartbeat ticking away at 134 beats/minute.

a heartbeat!

and no clot.

no clot!

there were numerous congratulations and handing off of paperwork as I now am a "normal" patient.

normal patients graduate to normal obgyns.

finally.

missing

I apologize for the abrupt hiatus.

We spent the end of last week moving and our computer got boxed up a bit earlier than expected so I could not provide an update.

Before, I continue, I am still very much pregnant and for that I am most thankful. However, the ultrasound was not the magical moment I had hoped it would be. First, it was rushed. So rushed. And they didn't turn the screen all the way, so I could hardly get a look. And the nurse? said there's a pocket of fluid without providing much information. Then the RE was all concerned about the date of my last period (completely arbitrary date). I couldn't exactly remember, but I told them the date I ovulated (not an arbitrary date). She could have cared less. Bah. It was a mess.

We left the appointment with a photo of our fetal pole and a feeling of uneasiness. I got back to my office and started to google the bits of what I understood the fluid to be - a subchorionic hemorrhage. google was not reassuring. basically it is a blood clot that can either get reabsorbed by my body or cause a lot of havoc. lovely. it is also the likely culprit behind my early spotting.

After thoroughly frightening myself, I called the Dr.'s office looking for some answers. Mainly, what exactly is my little fluid abnormality called? How large is it? Should I be concerned? Anything that I should/should not be doing?

My google diagnosis was correct, it is a subchorionic hemorrhage. We are in and I quote "grey zone" and get to go back weekly for more ultrasounds in order to track the clot.
I've been having talks with my belly. Willing the clot to be absorbed and the poppy seed (now roughly a blueberry) to stick around.

Our next ultrasound is Thursday. Hope to hear some less "grey" news.

tomorrow

via (saranorris)

Tomorrow morning is our very first ultrasound.

I was devestated many months ago when I had to have an ultrasound knowing full well that there was only emptiness in my uterus.

I am wishing this time will be so very different.

I anticipate that there may be tears.

but, hopefully, it will be because I am simply awed by what we see.

reprieve

via (Lina)

I got a call from my nurse

my number is *beautiful*

more than doubled

suprisingly, a sense of relief did not wash over me.

Just a feeling of *for now*

Because as long as I continue to see spotting

this feeling pulling at my heart will not leave

it could so easily all go away.

I truly appreciate all of your comments, prayers and good thoughts. They mean so much to me.

shit.
more spotting.
please go away.
please.
another beta tomorrow morning.

oh boy.

via (emersonmade)

I couldn't help myself. I just could not. After hearing the good word from my nurse last Thursday, I could not control the compulsion to purchase this little mouse. As a gift. For our baby. Something about that cute little belly and flopped ear. I don't know. I told you, I couldn't help myself.

Then the weekend rolled around and my husband took off to Alaska for a business trip until Friday. I drove him to the airport early on Sunday morning. Later that morning, I was in the loo and I *swore* that I saw some tinged discharge (I still have to pop these progesterone supplements and they discharge. oh boy, do they discharge). I *did* see tinge.

Next, I became a wreck for the following reasons:

One: Nothing. Ever. Good. Comes. From. Spotting. At least not my spotting. I've had a lot of it, so I'm something of a spotting expert and I fear spotting. Fear it a lot.

Two: There was no one for me to tell. No one at all. We haven't shared the news of our little poppy seed with anyone. My husband was in the air for the next three hours only to touch down briefly and get back up for another four. Panicked isolation.

Three: I knew buying that mouse was premature. Knew. It.

I knew that I couldn't do anything about it at that point. I tried to remember that, to surrender to a what will be, will be calm, but let me tell you that is much easier said than done.

Fortunately, my third beta was today. It should have been at least 500.

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

It was 710.

and no further tinge sightings.

giddy

via (anuk.marek)


It doubled! My second beta is 125!

Undoubtedly, there is still a long way to go.

But, for the first time since seeing those glorious double lines, I'm feeling a little giddy.

via (Laurence 2)

It's raining, we have no more umbrellas, one lost, one taken, the right cuff of my pants fell out, paper clips aren't an effective solution, I don't know if I will make it until this afternoon, when we find out the results of the second beta, please stick.

please stick.

via (bliss)

I got the results of my first beta.

62.1 at DPO13

I sure do hope its a keeper.

to dream

For so long this has been such an impossibility.

So although it doesn't seem at all real, this is my new reality.

I can't yet say it out loud, so I'll write it down very quietly.

I am pregnant

I am terrified and thrilled. but most of all thankful. very, very thankful.

centered

via (remodelista)

Thank you for all of your kind and wise words. They help so very much.

This morning, I feel much less preoccupied.

more centered.

very happy.

Too bad I can't always pull the brakes on that runaway train of thoughts.

circles

via (sophie cuvelier)

waiting. waiting. waiting.

I try to stay distracted. To focus on anything and everything else. But it is simply unavoidable.

Maybe I am. I'm sure I'm not. What are we going to do next? Maybe there won't be a next. When should we start thinking about adoption? Domestic? International? Maybe I am. I'm sure I'm not.

over and over. around and around.

It's enough to drive someone crazy. It might be driving me crazy.

I don't know why some cycles are so much harder than others.

This one is brutal.

generations

via (NicaMom)

The weekend is almost here and I'm very much looking forward to this one.

Tomorrow is my newest nephew's baptism and family members that I don't get to see too often are coming, including my Grandma. She's 92 and my most favorite person in the world. We just understand each other and that is a rare and special thing. I love her so much and really cherish every minute we get to spend together.

Surely, this weekend will be a bit bittersweet. My Grandma will be meeting this great grandson for the first time and snuggling her other one. Lucky little lads. I will just have to keep on hoping that someday our babies will get that same chance.

My brother lives a bit to the north of us. We were up there last weekend and already the leaves were being kissed with color. Maybe, on our way home, we'll be able to make a little trip to pick up some apples from the orchard. Maybe fall's not so bad after all.

slipped away

via (abless)

I know. I know.

Summer has slipped into fall. But I just can't help myself. I want to linger in those long, warm days a little while longer. But seeing as I reached for a jacket this morning and have been eating oatmeal regularly - truely fall indicators - I suppose this picture will have to do.

My husband and I decided that we'd take a vacation from interventions this cycle. Given my startlingly early ovulation, disappointing lining and failed iui, I felt like I had some questions about what to do next. However, with the blur of home ownership/home selling, I didn't have enough answers. I don't feel comfortable blindly walking into a new treatment or repeating the same. So, no meds for me.

Just some good old fashioned love.

Gone Fishing

Sadly, our camping trip never happened this past weekend. Our good friend and outdoor companion came down with the flu, so we decided to postpone our adventure for another day.

We did, however, take to the *wild* and had a little fishing expedition on the Potomac.

It was a very nice afternoon.

via (me)

we interrupt my infertility to bring you

(gap)

the best cords. ever.

The fit is fantastic (beyond comfortable), the colors are so good (the yellow is pretty amazing) and the price is perfect (I got mine for an additional $15 off).

Cords might be one of the few things that I look forward to as summer drifts into fall. And stumbling upon this pair makes the transition that much more tolerable.

pump the positivity?

via (i_hear_noises')

This was easy to feel when I was strolling in the gorgeous weekend weather with my pups, working with my husband to pull our place together, thinking about all of the wonderful things that we have going for us.

Good families, good jobs, good relationship.

of course it could be worse.

but, as good as it is, it remains incomplete.

f it.

via (laurence 2)

This was how I felt/feel towards my fertility situation after yet another negative test.

f-you fertility.

distractions

via (Charles Fredrik)

Our labor day weekend might not have been relaxing, but it was successful. We managed to perform a much needed *face lift* on our bathroom, complete (almost) a patch on a plaster wall, and declutter our apartment (for the most part). All that's left (ha) is to touch up some paint, move the clutter to a temporary storage unit, attempt a *face lift* on the kitchen, install new shades and clean, clean, clean.

While I don't particularly look forward to sanding spackle after a long day of work, all of this home improvement business has pretty effectively distracted me from the loathsome two week wait. I'm at DPO 6. just waiting. and wishing.

Thanks for all of the congratulations on the house. It really is a fine place and happily, the home inspection, conducted earlier this morning revealed that there are no big issues!

labor day

via (Matt?!)

There will be no weekend trip to the ocean for us this labor day weekend. Instead, there will be lots of spackling, painting and other home improvements - all intended to spruce up our current apartment. and get it sold.

because

we

got

the

house

amazing!

so long city life?

Yesterday really was quite a whirlwind.

I had intended to take the morning off from work. There is no medical need to do that after an IUI - at all - but I thought it might be nice to go home, relax and will the meeting of sperm and egg. However, my blackberry kept nagging me with all kinds of things that could only be done, in-person, at my office. No rest for the TTC-weary.

Then, after the day that I thought would never end, my husband and I . . .

put in an offer on our first house!?!?!

It's really a nugget of a little home. We fell in love at the open house this past weekend, went back for another walk-thru Monday night and then took the plunge yesterday. What sealed the deal, aside from being a pretty darn ideal property, was the fact that there are tons of young families in the neighborhood. On our second walk-thru, we showed up around 7:30 and the streets were full of families taking walks, riding bicycles, etc.

It's definitely a move to a more suburban spot - we currently are in DC-proper in a super neighborhood, but could never afford a similar house in the area.

Due to some extenuating circumstances (current owner of the house is in the hospital) we might not know whether the offer is accepted until tomorrow.

more waiting.

Until then, a preview (please don't let the posting of these pictures somehow jinx our offer)

I'm an enormous fan of having upstairs bedrooms. I attribute this irrational desire to growing up in a split-level ranch.

I am also an enormous fan of nook entrances and front doors with little windows.

A fireplace seems wonderful, especially now that the weather is starting to crisp up.

Oh, office, with your windows, so maybe, just maybe I can revive the 31 year-old Christmas cactus that is dying a little more each day. The succulent was a present to my husband's mother when he was born and then given to me by my mother-in-law, no doubt as a sneaky test. A test, which by the looks of its withered state, I am failing miserably.

We currently have a galley kitchen that is so narrow I cannot open either the refrigerator or dishwasher. Enough said. Except, maybe I should mention that I'm also an enormous fan of having a window over the sink.

Considering that this house is from the 40's, the bedrooms are all unusually roomy.

Not to mention cozy.

And there's space for a garden.

It really is too good to be true.

projecting

(via MonikaElenaPhoto)

Much has transpired since I last updated.

Last Thursday, I went to my appointment for blood work and an ultrasound. Everything looked normal, so after clearing some pretty hefty bureaucratic hurdles (aren't the biological ones enough) and swiping my debit card for a cool $1200, the iui was on. I was scheduled for a monitoring appointment this coming Saturday, to watch for ovulation. However, on both Sunday and Monday mornings, my home monitor indicated a high reading. Back to the RE's office I went, being afraid that if we waited until Saturday, we'd completely miss ovulation.

At first, the nurse(s) and Dr. were very skeptical about the accuracy of my monitor. At that point, I was only a week into my cycle and that is EARLY for ovulation. But, lo and behold the ultrasound revealed a mature follicle and the blood work confirmed that I was "surging".

I picked up and self-administered (after a small pep talk) a trigger shot last night, along with ANOTHER drug to help fluff up my uterine lining. So many drugs for someone that rarely likes to take advil.

This morning, my husband departed for the RE's office to *contribute* his part only to find out that due to renovations, there was no longer a collection room. What?!? He had to race back home, do what was needed and then race back down to drop off the sample. Talk about pressure.

I showed up an hour later, was told that despite the craziness that ensued earlier that morning the *sample* was stellar. Before I knew it, the iui was done.

************************************************************************************

I'm not feeling particularly optimistic about the outcome. Realistically, given the paltry state of my lining, the iui is not likely to be successful. However, I think that I/we have learned a lot from this little exercise. I very much hope that this knowledge will inform any future cycles so that one day the picture I posted can be of me and not some stranger that I wish was me.

support

(uncredited)


I know that when I started writing about our struggles to start a family, I was hoping that it would be a somewhat therapeutic experience. an outlet. for something that I was too afraid to admit to myself. but something that was beginning to suffocate me.

I'm don't think, at that time, I fully appreciated just how the support and understanding of people that I have never met would come to mean so much. You have all been so generous with your time and your thoughts, whether you are experiencing this struggle or not.

It's good to no longer feel so alone.

booties

I must confess that I am not so partial to closed-toe shoes. I am simply happier in flip flops. But, that preference poses problems as the seasons change and the temperature drops.

So, I find it rather surprising, given the aforementioned aversion to proper shoes, that I find myself recently obsessed with booties.

booties.

even the word itself is offputting.

but, nonetheless, here I sit, longing for a pair.

actually two. (at times, I can be very greedy)

This persistent new preoccupation took hold shortly after I spied this cover on one of my favorite blogs:

cover of the sundance catalog via (bliss)

so good.

I sourced this version and think it would do just fine. Kind of like an outdoor slipper. Which really is a near-cousin to the flip flop:

And then, for the occasions when I'm feeling more fancy, because I am experimenting with being more fancy, this pair is speaking to me:

I know. I know. I need to save my money now that I am acting as my own infertility insurer. But, for some reason, I just can't shake the want.

Though, maybe, if the unthinkable does occur, I can commission another one of my favorite bloggers to knit a pair of these:

via (wikstenmade)

Because maybe booties are just for babies after all.

hope

via (e m i l y ♥)

The emotional journey that is infertility takes its toll after a while. It is an understatement to say that being flung back and forth between hopefulness and disappointment is difficult. It is impossible not to get discouraged.

But, at least for now, the hopefulness has returned.

Over the weekend, my husband and I discussed our options. While they are far from ideal, we've made the decision to move forward with a clomid/iui. The monitoring that occurs during this process was the deciding factor. I'm starting to feel more and more like there is a potential implantation issue. Ultrasounds will confirm that I actually ovulate and will also be able to provide information about the "state" of my uterine lining. My health insurance doesn't cover any of this. Since we would be paying for all of these monitoring costs already, our doctor suggesting that it might make sense to go ahead and add the "insemination" part.

The logic makes sense to us.

I just called and made the appointment.

I have blood work and an ultrasound scheduled for this Thursday.

I feel hopeful that regardless of whether the iui portion is successful, at least we may have more answers than we do now.

Here's to hoping. Please stop letting us down.

via (mirjan.)

maybe it's the rain. maybe it's because I have to work all weekend. but, i'm pretty sure that it's because, for the first time, I'm truly starting to realize that this isn't going to happen.

at least, not the way that I had thought.

i've been pushing down the truth. however, at least for today, it's not letting me brush it aside.

but, how can i make the decisions i'm facing when i don't have the information much less the answers.

i feel so discouraged.

so very sad.

again

via (we heart it)

shit.

tears at work.

again.

another negative.

almost able to hold it in.

but feeling so overwhelmed.

sweet

via (me)


Our weekend with the little guy was wonderful.

My sister-in-law had a relatively smooth pregnancy, but there were complications during her labor.

A knot in the umbilical cord had tightened to the point where due to a lack of oxygen the baby's heartbeat stopped. As my brother tells the story, it was a tense couple of minutes as the doctor (thankfully, very calmly) took control of the situation and literally pulled him out. It was later reported that the doctor wasn't certain that there would have been enough time to do an emergency c-section if the pulling was unsuccessful.

A story like that makes you realize just how fragile life can be. Thankfully, this life is also amazing.

It was so lovely to see how naturally my younger brother and his wife assumed their roles as mommy and daddy. A perfect little family.

I don't know if there is anything sweeter than a newborn yawn.

brand new

via (me)

That little love is my brand new nephew.

When my phone rang at 3:00 am Thursday morning, I was hit with a combination of excitement and disappointment. I was so thrilled that the little man was about to make his arrival, but unfortunately I was in a hotel room in Denver missing the entire thing.

My husband, however, went up to the hospital and gave my nephew some kisses for me (and took these fantastic photos). He also walked their dog, trimmed their bushes, helped fix their a.c. There is no doubt that he is a good guy.

J and I are headed up to their house this evening so that I can finally meet this sweet little bundle.

quiet

via (rockstar diaries)

Sorry it's been so quiet around here lately. I have been swamped at work and even though only a little while ago I mused about all the non-fertility topics that I could write about, well I just haven't done it yet.

By way of an update my younger brother is about to have his very first baby due this Friday. My older brother just announced that they are expecting their second baby in March.

I'm truly thrilled (honestly, my family makes really, really, really cute) to continue on in the role of aunt, but I'm really hoping this recent waive of baby is contagious, because I'd prefer the title of mom.

So I'm at DPO 3, right in the midst of the "agony of the wait." We attempted another progesterone-only cycle. Hoping that it's what is needed.

Now, I'm off to Colorado on a very last minute business trip. I'm excited because it's a state that I've never been to, but think that I will love. Though, I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I'll be back in time to personally welcome my newest nephew into the world . . .

To everyone reading out there. Thank you so much for the support. It means so much.

weekend

via (me)

A week back at work after a reasonably long vacation is never easy, but I'm nearly through it. I can't wait for what I hope will be a relaxing weekend. I've got a good book and I'm planning on spending some time with it on the above-pictured couch.

Yesterday was a bit bittersweet.

The sweet part of the day was that in this down economy, I was fortunate enough not only to receive a raise, but also a bonus. Financial security is a powerful thing and I am thanking my lucky stars.

The bitter part of the day was realizing that instead of paying down student loans, renovating our kitchen, or taking that trip to New Zealand, we will probably need to use all of our thus-far saved pennies to *buy* our family. My insurance doesn't cover any fertility treatments, so whether we decide to adopt or opt for medical intervention we are facing some steep costs.

The frustrations seem to be coming from all angles these days. Get me to that couch . . .

a perfect afternoon

via (me)

When we returned from the beach, we were not ready to reembrace reality. So, we ignored the piles of laundry and list of errands waiting for us at home and instead continued our vacation. If having ice cream twice in one afternoon is the measure of anything, it was indeed a good day!

painful reminder

via (daytrips)

why, when my heart is already hurting so much, does there have to be such a pain in my belly to to remind me further?

salt air

via (me)

We just got back from a vacation in North Carolina. It was such a luxury to wake up each morning to the ocean and the sun. I think that I'm meant to live near the water, but somehow I've managed to wind up miles from the shore.

Together with my father, older brother, his wife and their baby, we strung together a week of perfectly contented leisure. I only wish that it could have continued for a bit longer.

I promised myself that I would not take any pregnancy tests while I was away. I can still vividly remember last year - We were all together at the same place, though my older brother was absent (baby too young) and my younger brother and wife were present (absent this year because expecting first baby in August). It was our second month of trying and for three of the mornings, I snuck into the bathroom with a pregnancy test, so damn hopeful that the there'd be a second line. Of course there wasn't and there hasn't been.

This year, I waited until we got back to Washington.

negative.

Right about now, I am wishing that I was back on the front porch of our rental house, sitting in a rocking chair, taking in the breeze, looking out over the ocean, and hoping.

a perfect pause

(via Neil Krug)

This weekend was just what I needed.

A new haircut, good times with friends, camping in a backyard, the most delicious garden-grown tomato salad.

I think though that my most favorite bit was realizing that a hotel pool in our neighborhood offers day passes. My husband and I spent Sunday lounging and swimming and reading.

It was the perfect pause and the kind of day that just is summer.

the after

via (me)

I quite like it.

especially after a dip in the pool.

the before

via (my photo)

Tune in soon for the after . . .

three years

7.8.06


Three years already. Yet, it seems like we were just standing under that big old tree, newest of newlyweds and so very happy.

So far, being together has not been without its bumps and bungles, but those moments are thankfully few and insignificant.

Our life is pretty lucky.

On our first anniversary, mostly by happenstance, we went out to a lovely little restaurant that had a charming patio. The night was warm, the food was delicious, the company was perfect. After finishing our meal we were in agreement that the night must not end just yet, so we strolled down the street and stopped into the neighborhood bar. Towards the back of the room I spied a photo booth. When I saw it, I knew. Every anniversary we'd take a photo booth picture. Marking the years. A tradition was born. We jumped into the booth. Twice.

Such a great night.

The following year, we set about recreating that evening. We went back to the lovely little restaurant, but when we got there we were told that the kitchen was closed for renovations. I was slightly devastated and if you had sampled their food, you might have been too. But, I also knew that it wasn't the food that was so sentimental to me, but rather keeping the tradition of the photo booth. So, we walked down the block. The bar was open. good. We went inside. The photo booth was still there. thank goodness. We pulled back the curtain, only to see piles and piles of napkins. and a sign. Out of Order. At that point my heart sank. I don't think that one year makes a tradition a tradition. As that was the only booth in DC, we were at a loss. We walked and walked. Finally, thinking that melted cheese might be a delicious distraction, we went into a mexican restaurant. As it turned out, it was not a very good mexican restaurant. In fact, it was a very bad mexican restaurant. But, it was so bad that, at this point, we found finally were able found the humor in the situation.

I'm not sure what is in store for us this evening, but I hope that we can keep on keeping our sense of humor about things and maybe find a new family tradition along the way.

not yet

(via Loveology)

My husband is not a father and I am not a mother.

yet.

but we do have each other.

and I am very glad for that.

ups and downs

(via +yooco+)

I'm still floating around in limbo. waiting.

I'd managed to remain a bit less detached during the past few cycles. Ever since that damned double yolk egg, I wised up to the fact that I need to guard against *foolish* optimism or risk that ruthless, stinging disappointment.

But, with this cycle's medical reinforcements, I've been forced to become more intimately aware of this process than ever before.

The good news is that it's DPO 12 and there's not been a hint of spotting. Nothing. At. All.

The bad news is that I tested on DPO 9 and 11 and both were negative.

Up and down.

Up and down.

beach bound

Zwei (via valériee)

My husband and I are nearly off to the beach for a weekend with friends. I was truly meant to live at the beach . someday . . .

In other news, to borrow a term from a blogger friend, Hillary, I am in the midst of Spotwatch 06.09.

So far, nothing. not even a tinge.

Perhaps those prometruim suppositories were just what was needed. Though, delayed spotting has fooled me before, so I'm hesitent to start feeling wildly optimistic just yet.

Maybe more desperately hopeful?

I'm hoping all of my dips into the ocean will adequately distract me over the next 48 hours.

Hair Trim or Hair Cut

Just so you're not left with the impression that all I ever do is sit around and ponder my fertility, here is a post dedicated to my hair. Specifically, what should I do about it currently unruly length? I tend to go to the salon only about twice a year.

I'm am toying with the idea of cutting off many inches. I can almost feel the freedom, the lightness, the change.

almost. then I remember how much I love long hair.

Here are some of the inspiration pictures that are tempting me towards a less is more approach with my mane

via (camp comfort: Tuesday, Hair Day)

Father's Day

picture by me

My mother and grandmother came into town this past weekend for my sister-in-law's baby shower. My little brother is expecting his first bundle at the end of the summer. Being nearly three years older than my brother and married for a year longer, I was expecting to have to field a lot of, "so, when are you and J going to start to have children . . ." but was relieved to completely avoid any such inquiries.

The shower, as far as showers go, was really quite nice. I was in charge of decorations and they turned out swimmingly (if I do say so myself), the food was delicious, the group of ladies were great.

Only a few times during the afternoon did I let my mind drift off to thinking about my own much less round belly. Mostly because L and I started this whole baby-making process around the same time. We talked about how much fun it would be to be pregnant together. How our little ones would be such close friends. Although it took L a few months to get pregnant, she did. And with each successive month , that hope of "sharing" a pregnancy became smaller and smaller. Though, I'm still going to believe that while they might be a little further apart in age, our children will have the closest of friendships.

Because my mother was in town, the evening before the shower, we went to church. The Catholic church in our neighborhood only had a noon mass, so we went to one just a little further away.

St. Ann's

This, according to my mother, was a good thing, because (I confirmed this by Wikipedia) St. Anne is the patroness saint for childless people. Apparently, according to the bible, Anne and her husband, after years of childlessness, were visited by an angel who told them that they would conceive a child and they did.

At one point during the mass, the priest said something to honor all of the Father's for Father's Day. I leaned over and whispered to my husband that I hoped so very much that he was a father on that day, that there was a little bean just beginning to grow. Seeing his face, acknowledging and so wanting for the same thing, my heart just about broke.

But, if I was right, well then maybe soon it can be swelling with joy.

distractions

I think it's stating the obvious to say that infertility can be expensive. Whether the choice is made to move forward with treatments or adoption, the costs can be fairly staggering.

What I didn't expect was the following:

As of late, I've observed that our failure to get knocked up is seemingly having a negative effect on my budgeting abilities. While I should be diligently saving for a whole host of worthier things, it seems that I've been nurturing a rather serious shopping habit over the last couple of months. Above is only a smattering of some of my indulgences. I'm not saying that they aren't lovely, but perhaps I need a new coping mechanism . . .

(via nicole hill)

It's been a little while since last I posted.

Life has been rolling along. We've had a pair of weekends spent at home, which with all the summertime travel was much appreciated. We were able to get in a mini-road trip (windows down of course), lots of ice cream (specifically, root beer floats), dinner with friends, dinner alone, crafting projects for an upcoming baby shower, homemade pizza, a couple of baseball games and the list goes on.

This weekend, we traveled up to my mother-in-law's for a visit. Unfortunately, due to some pesky allergies, I sneezed through the majority of it.

We've also had some more time to process the information from our last doctor's visit. I went to my local pharmacy and picked up the prescription for clomid. At that time, being on the fence about whether it was for me, I didn't know whether I was going to take it or not. However, with nothing to show from our previous efforts and feeling like the options are limited, I popped the little pills diligently for 5 days.

Now, I'm waiting.

and worrying (did I make the wrong choice? is this delaying ovulation? should we have just gone au natural one more month?)

Prior to this process, I was never really a worrier. Perhaps, this new injection of second-guessing and concern is just a realistic introduction to motherhood . . .

Update

free fall (via monsieur oiseau)

As promised update:

Despite being meet with: "lots of good news to share, lots of good news"

What we actually heard - mind you without a lot of bedside manner - was that:

(1) Medical science has no idea why we don't have a baby
(2) Despite that lack of knowledge, interventions are our only hope

hmmmm. not exactly what we were hoping for.

I was truly expecting that there would be some type of secondary round of *diagnostics.* More sophisticated tests, specifically designed to eliminate all of this *unexplainedness.*

Apparently, that is not the case.

We simply fall into a category and then the blunt objects that are fertility inteventions are waived in our face.

her: "I would recommend clomid and iui"
me: (referring to the clomid) "I thought I didn't have a problem ovulating"
her: "Well everything seems to be pointing to the fact that you don't, but this is basically our frontline intervention"
me: (apparently not effectively explaining that while I'm not necessarily against interventions per se, I would like to understand that they are actually serving a purpose and not simply being prescribed because that is what's done for everyone. I'm not everyone dammit.) "It kind of seems like 'trying to force a square peg into a round hole' approach." (also, apparently confusing my analogies)

unexplained infertility is frustrating.

having an apathetic doctor who claims to be empathetic is frustrating.

I think a little bit of time to mull all of this over will help. But right about now, I'm back to where I was when I began this blog - fighting back the tears as I sit in my office (and contemplating running away to live a simplier life in the Caribbean)

getting ready

getting ready (me)

Above is a photo of me getting ready for a friend's wedding down in lovely Charleston, SC this past holiday weekend. It was a full of friends and good times.

I'm back in DC and getting ready for something entirely different. My follow-up appointment with our *fertility* doctor. And while it doesn't involve deliberating between three pretty dresses, at least my husband is coming this time and that will make it better.

I'll pop back in soon with an update . . .

photo by (me)

I really wish that I could see into the future and know how this will all work out.

(via abless)

We didn't quite make lemonade yesterday, instead something more like watered down, unsweetend lemon water.

What on earth am I talking about, you ask?

The HSG test wasn't so bad. Quick actually. And more importantly, it's a test with instant gratification, as one can learn the *outcome* right then and there.

The verdict: My tubes are free flowing. No issues to be found. The final diagnostic and another perfectly normal result.

So why all of the above allusion to bitter water - because we are right back to where we started, no baby and no idea why.

I hate not knowing. It's a pretty powerless position.

Next steps, back to the doctor's office with my husband to review my three normals and his one normal.

Here's hoping that this doctor has something else up her sleeve.

Lemonade

lemonade (via tielsk)

In mere moments, I will be off to have an HSG. I'll spare you the specifics, but it's basically a test to confirm whether my fallopian tubes are open and unobstructed. I could have/should have done this months ago and I really can't say why I've been so stubbornly avoiding it.

But, today, I'm going in. And hopefully I'll learn something helpful.

Maybe, finally, all of these lemons will be squeezed into lemonade.