moving forwards and backwards all at the same time.

I did it.

I picked up the phone and made an appointment to see a fertility dr.

I wanted so very much to somehow avoid this emotional loop de loop, but that was not meant to be.

Almost as soon as Nora was born, lurking in the corner was the fact that we would someday be confronted with this issue again. My husband and I talked about trying almost immediately. But, I just could not. Could not take the chance that this time, nature would laugh right at me, and bless me immediately with what I wanted for so long.

When Nora turned one, my head was ready, but my heart was not. Each and every time it came down to it, I balked. I tend to think of myself as a pretty strong person, but, I was not ready to face another string of negatives. All the disappointment. The trying so very hard to keep your emotions in check, only to have your hopes inevitable rise. Sigh.

Finally, after a few more months passed, I realized that I really want another baby. Want him or her enough to go through whatever it is that awaits us this time around.

We gave it a while on our own. But, my belly is still empty.

I am hoping a new doctor will have new insights, new solutions, new hope.

And, so it begins. again.


  1. i am sorry to hear that you will have to endure the uncertainties again. i wish i could give you some of whatever it is that keeps working for us. it's so unfair that it comes so easily for some and not for others.

    that's a beautiful photo of nora. i love the shadows and her tiny upright self.

  2. Thank you, Erica. So much. Life IS so unfair, but, I do have a really great one. So, in a lot of ways, this makes me appreciate just was I do have. Which is a lot. But, our wild pony still could use a sibling ;)

  3. Wishing you good things at the fertility docs and hope for number 2 to come soon.

  4. Good luck! I'm going through my own fertility woes after a miscarriage last year. I'll be starting IUI in a few weeks, but I find myself still hoping for that positive without it! Here's hoping for good news for both of us very shortly!