With the exception of my husband, I don't feel comfortable talking about this topic with any person in *real life.* Maybe, in time, this will change, but for right now I cannot do it. Not even in sort of an obscure "alice, would you ever consider adoption" kind of a way. I've always been like this - prefering to control and limit what people know about me.
Despite this inability to share, I also realized that I need support. I need to feel connected to people. I need an outlet.
So, I just want to say thank you. Thank you to all those who have popped on over with a warm welcome and the kindest words of encouragement.
I thought that this blog could help banish tears from the work place, but this morning there are a couple. Not because I'm sad, but because I'm feeling very touched.
Originally, I just wanted a place to put the beautiful things that I stumbled across. Things like photographs, illustrations, clothing, a delicious recipe . . .
Then, at just about the same time I got started here, the most personal part of my personal life turned into a regular mix-up. Despite the fact that I ferociously guard my privacy in *real life,* for some reason I decided to publically narrate these experiences.
But, I can't imagine anything more depressing (for me) than to have this be a place exclusively devoted to my fertility or lack thereof. While it has been near-consuming of my thoughts, I am more than just someone trying to get knocked-up.
See what I mean -- even this post rambles from here to there and back again, suspiciously without a conclusion . . .
I would be happy, but for the fact that I'm facing a dilemma (and of course the existence of that pesky category of unexplained infertility).
I have one more diagnostic** to go but, if I have that test when scheduled, we'd have to refrain from attempting conceive this month. This is because the only available appointment is outside of a special window. On the otherhand, I could reschedule the test for next month during the proper window and we could forge ahead . . .
Delay answers which could delay a baby or delay babymaking?
**(trying not to let the particulars of this test (which make it seem like something I'd be perfectly fine NEVER having) influence my decision)
It was a bit crushing to have my very first ultrasound be for an undeniably, uninhabited uterus.
I always pictured being one of those lucky ladies that squints at the monitor, perfectly perplexed by the image, and hears her doctor say, "that's the foot and there is the head. do you see the heart beating?"
I always thought I would see a brand new life, not emptiness.
On the bright side, I was told that my uterus is a perfect size and shape. Is it strange to be proud of such a thing?
Oh, and the ovaries looked *normal* too.
I think that it's really quite an unlucky coincidence that each month when I'm faced with the reality of another *not this time,* it's at the very moment when my hormones leave me most ill-equipped to deal with such disappointment.
I don't want to give up hope, but I also don't want to keep on waiting for something that may never happen.
It's funny how you worry about something even though you have absolutely no reason to be concerned. And then it turns out that your fears weren't so irrational after all.
While it is true that I don't like being told I'm wrong - this would have been a fabulous
I guess I am getting ahead of myself. As I've not actually been "tested."
I've been too afraid, too much don't really want to know the answer, too much don't really want to hear that there might not be an answer, too much of won't this just all go away, too much of I don't want to feel like a failure, too much of why can't I just snuggle my little baby and
sing gone fishin'.
Emotionally, I've reached some point where I'm struggling much more. I think previously, it was easy to shrug off with denial.
Now there are more tears.