12.10.2010

If I'm Being Honest


I am generally an optimist.

I have an easy baby.

It was really difficult to conceive this easy baby.

I think these are some of the reasons why I choose to focus on the more delightful moments here on this blog. But, before I leave you thinking that motherhood is nothing but sunshine and giggles, let me share some of the *other side* of things. If I'm being honest:

Let's start nightmare that was my postpartum follow-up dr. appointment. Ironically, it had nothing to do with me or my third degree tear, but rather my seven week old hellion. When we arrived, she was napping in her car seat, so I thought that everything might work out. ha! N woke up a few minutes after going inside. The doctor was running late. I paced the waiting room with a crying baby for what seemed like forever, before finally asking for a place to go feed her. For the first time EVER, my little one wouldn't settle enough to eat. Well, actually she managed to eat just enough to throw up all over herself and my back. The doctor comes in, is kind enough to hold N while I awkwardly strip down. Babe's still screaming, the doctor's trying to ask me questions, I'm holding the hellion, sweating profusely from all of the stress. After the fastest exam ever, I am left with a hysterical baby and no pants. The doctor has fled the room and literally slipped a prescription for birth control under the door, no doubt in an attempt to preserve her ears from the the crying. crying. crying. I think that we left all of the ladies at in office reconsidering whether to have children. Cue a huge thunderstorm to soak mom and baby. FINALLY we get back home, but not before we have her first diaper blow out. in her car seat. of course. once we were beyond the moment, i had to laugh. otherwise, i might have cried. alright maybe i did cry. a little. The lesson learned on that afternoon was to always keep wine in the house.

Second, being back at work is not going that well. I know that it's early, but it is hard. Nora's been sick almost constantly since starting daycare. Then, the second week back, I found out that I'm going to be on a case that is basically going to *own* my life for the next six months. I think I was sort of living in denial about the work life balance and then reality set in. or crashed down. The hardest part was the first night that I didn't see my babe at all. And because of this case, I know there are going to be more days like that one. many. I basically turned into a puddle of tears when I got out of the car. I still have no balance. at all. sometimes I don't even have weekends.

Third, can I really blame my baby for being unable to remember ANYTHING anymore. It doesn't really feel fair, but . . . I've driven into work with her carseat, knowing that my husband needed it to take her to a doctors appointment. Without fail, EVERYDAY, I forget some piece of my pump. Be it a storage cap, a flange, the power cord. And just last week, after being on a conference call and making it through seven hours (yup, you read that right) and two pumping sessions just fine, just minutes before the call wraps my co-worker says "someone might want to mute their phone as there are STRANGE NOISES."

Don't really know how to wrap up the. longest. post. ever.

except to say that motherhood is many, many things and one of them is hard.

and it's good to be honest.

8 comments:

  1. I really appreciate honesty. Although I still can't imagine that I'll be experiencing those things in just a few months, I do want to learn as much as possible from other mothers to prepare myself.

    I think for those of us who had difficultly conceiving, we expect our extreme gratitude to drown out the challenges. But I guess the truth is that these things are hard. For anyone. And I'm sure you're handling it all with grace.

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  2. Sorry to hear that you are having a hard time with going back to work. In my mind, it is a luxury that some women are able to stop work, or severely cut down on hours after having kids. If we are ever able to have a baby, I will still have to work as well, so I can really sympathize with you. I hope that the good days and your time with Nora and hubby will outweigh the bad. Thanks for posting!

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  3. I can't remember anything either. The dreaded Mommy Brain is SO REAL. I never believed it, but it's not going away!

    I totally feel you on the constant daycare sickness as well. It's like nothing I've ever experienced. Hopefully his (and her) immune system starts ramping up very soon!

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  4. it's hard keeping it together, really truly hard. i forget things all the time, and it's taken me almost two years to be able to calm down with a few deep breaths instead of calling my husband and shouting expletives and woe is me rants. my work/career has suffered immensely, as has our bank account. let's not even begin on the marriage. having an intense child has been hard, and sometimes i forget to focus on the good. i love that your photos and posts remind me to slow down and stop dwelling on the negatives.

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  5. Yes, we've had good luck with the Target diapers, actually. Pampers gave him bad diaper rash and Luvs fit weird, so Target it is. anything that gives me an excuse to go there more often!

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  6. Awww - Keep your chin up. We're just starting our adoption journey and I already have "Mommy" brain! It sounds like a terrible battle with the challenging times recently, but I am sure you'll pull through with grace.

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  7. Your baby is Built to survive and conquer. I wish I had fret less when mine were tiny, allowed the tears because they will soon smile again, completely oblivious to the previous pain. The first years are a brilliant, exhausting, beyond imaginable adventure. You will both survive and thrive and neither of you will probably remember what you 'forgot' or any of the tiny details. You Can Do This.

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  8. Oh, it can be so difficult. I hope things have turned up for you. You have more strength than you know.

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