tomorrow

via (saranorris)

Tomorrow morning is our very first ultrasound.

I was devestated many months ago when I had to have an ultrasound knowing full well that there was only emptiness in my uterus.

I am wishing this time will be so very different.

I anticipate that there may be tears.

but, hopefully, it will be because I am simply awed by what we see.

reprieve

via (Lina)

I got a call from my nurse

my number is *beautiful*

more than doubled

suprisingly, a sense of relief did not wash over me.

Just a feeling of *for now*

Because as long as I continue to see spotting

this feeling pulling at my heart will not leave

it could so easily all go away.

I truly appreciate all of your comments, prayers and good thoughts. They mean so much to me.

shit.
more spotting.
please go away.
please.
another beta tomorrow morning.

oh boy.

via (emersonmade)

I couldn't help myself. I just could not. After hearing the good word from my nurse last Thursday, I could not control the compulsion to purchase this little mouse. As a gift. For our baby. Something about that cute little belly and flopped ear. I don't know. I told you, I couldn't help myself.

Then the weekend rolled around and my husband took off to Alaska for a business trip until Friday. I drove him to the airport early on Sunday morning. Later that morning, I was in the loo and I *swore* that I saw some tinged discharge (I still have to pop these progesterone supplements and they discharge. oh boy, do they discharge). I *did* see tinge.

Next, I became a wreck for the following reasons:

One: Nothing. Ever. Good. Comes. From. Spotting. At least not my spotting. I've had a lot of it, so I'm something of a spotting expert and I fear spotting. Fear it a lot.

Two: There was no one for me to tell. No one at all. We haven't shared the news of our little poppy seed with anyone. My husband was in the air for the next three hours only to touch down briefly and get back up for another four. Panicked isolation.

Three: I knew buying that mouse was premature. Knew. It.

I knew that I couldn't do anything about it at that point. I tried to remember that, to surrender to a what will be, will be calm, but let me tell you that is much easier said than done.

Fortunately, my third beta was today. It should have been at least 500.

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

It was 710.

and no further tinge sightings.

giddy

via (anuk.marek)


It doubled! My second beta is 125!

Undoubtedly, there is still a long way to go.

But, for the first time since seeing those glorious double lines, I'm feeling a little giddy.

via (Laurence 2)

It's raining, we have no more umbrellas, one lost, one taken, the right cuff of my pants fell out, paper clips aren't an effective solution, I don't know if I will make it until this afternoon, when we find out the results of the second beta, please stick.

please stick.

via (bliss)

I got the results of my first beta.

62.1 at DPO13

I sure do hope its a keeper.

to dream

For so long this has been such an impossibility.

So although it doesn't seem at all real, this is my new reality.

I can't yet say it out loud, so I'll write it down very quietly.

I am pregnant

I am terrified and thrilled. but most of all thankful. very, very thankful.

centered

via (remodelista)

Thank you for all of your kind and wise words. They help so very much.

This morning, I feel much less preoccupied.

more centered.

very happy.

Too bad I can't always pull the brakes on that runaway train of thoughts.

circles

via (sophie cuvelier)

waiting. waiting. waiting.

I try to stay distracted. To focus on anything and everything else. But it is simply unavoidable.

Maybe I am. I'm sure I'm not. What are we going to do next? Maybe there won't be a next. When should we start thinking about adoption? Domestic? International? Maybe I am. I'm sure I'm not.

over and over. around and around.

It's enough to drive someone crazy. It might be driving me crazy.

I don't know why some cycles are so much harder than others.

This one is brutal.

generations

via (NicaMom)

The weekend is almost here and I'm very much looking forward to this one.

Tomorrow is my newest nephew's baptism and family members that I don't get to see too often are coming, including my Grandma. She's 92 and my most favorite person in the world. We just understand each other and that is a rare and special thing. I love her so much and really cherish every minute we get to spend together.

Surely, this weekend will be a bit bittersweet. My Grandma will be meeting this great grandson for the first time and snuggling her other one. Lucky little lads. I will just have to keep on hoping that someday our babies will get that same chance.

My brother lives a bit to the north of us. We were up there last weekend and already the leaves were being kissed with color. Maybe, on our way home, we'll be able to make a little trip to pick up some apples from the orchard. Maybe fall's not so bad after all.