support

(uncredited)


I know that when I started writing about our struggles to start a family, I was hoping that it would be a somewhat therapeutic experience. an outlet. for something that I was too afraid to admit to myself. but something that was beginning to suffocate me.

I'm don't think, at that time, I fully appreciated just how the support and understanding of people that I have never met would come to mean so much. You have all been so generous with your time and your thoughts, whether you are experiencing this struggle or not.

It's good to no longer feel so alone.

booties

I must confess that I am not so partial to closed-toe shoes. I am simply happier in flip flops. But, that preference poses problems as the seasons change and the temperature drops.

So, I find it rather surprising, given the aforementioned aversion to proper shoes, that I find myself recently obsessed with booties.

booties.

even the word itself is offputting.

but, nonetheless, here I sit, longing for a pair.

actually two. (at times, I can be very greedy)

This persistent new preoccupation took hold shortly after I spied this cover on one of my favorite blogs:

cover of the sundance catalog via (bliss)

so good.

I sourced this version and think it would do just fine. Kind of like an outdoor slipper. Which really is a near-cousin to the flip flop:

And then, for the occasions when I'm feeling more fancy, because I am experimenting with being more fancy, this pair is speaking to me:

I know. I know. I need to save my money now that I am acting as my own infertility insurer. But, for some reason, I just can't shake the want.

Though, maybe, if the unthinkable does occur, I can commission another one of my favorite bloggers to knit a pair of these:

via (wikstenmade)

Because maybe booties are just for babies after all.

hope

via (e m i l y ♥)

The emotional journey that is infertility takes its toll after a while. It is an understatement to say that being flung back and forth between hopefulness and disappointment is difficult. It is impossible not to get discouraged.

But, at least for now, the hopefulness has returned.

Over the weekend, my husband and I discussed our options. While they are far from ideal, we've made the decision to move forward with a clomid/iui. The monitoring that occurs during this process was the deciding factor. I'm starting to feel more and more like there is a potential implantation issue. Ultrasounds will confirm that I actually ovulate and will also be able to provide information about the "state" of my uterine lining. My health insurance doesn't cover any of this. Since we would be paying for all of these monitoring costs already, our doctor suggesting that it might make sense to go ahead and add the "insemination" part.

The logic makes sense to us.

I just called and made the appointment.

I have blood work and an ultrasound scheduled for this Thursday.

I feel hopeful that regardless of whether the iui portion is successful, at least we may have more answers than we do now.

Here's to hoping. Please stop letting us down.

via (mirjan.)

maybe it's the rain. maybe it's because I have to work all weekend. but, i'm pretty sure that it's because, for the first time, I'm truly starting to realize that this isn't going to happen.

at least, not the way that I had thought.

i've been pushing down the truth. however, at least for today, it's not letting me brush it aside.

but, how can i make the decisions i'm facing when i don't have the information much less the answers.

i feel so discouraged.

so very sad.

again

via (we heart it)

shit.

tears at work.

again.

another negative.

almost able to hold it in.

but feeling so overwhelmed.

sweet

via (me)


Our weekend with the little guy was wonderful.

My sister-in-law had a relatively smooth pregnancy, but there were complications during her labor.

A knot in the umbilical cord had tightened to the point where due to a lack of oxygen the baby's heartbeat stopped. As my brother tells the story, it was a tense couple of minutes as the doctor (thankfully, very calmly) took control of the situation and literally pulled him out. It was later reported that the doctor wasn't certain that there would have been enough time to do an emergency c-section if the pulling was unsuccessful.

A story like that makes you realize just how fragile life can be. Thankfully, this life is also amazing.

It was so lovely to see how naturally my younger brother and his wife assumed their roles as mommy and daddy. A perfect little family.

I don't know if there is anything sweeter than a newborn yawn.

brand new

via (me)

That little love is my brand new nephew.

When my phone rang at 3:00 am Thursday morning, I was hit with a combination of excitement and disappointment. I was so thrilled that the little man was about to make his arrival, but unfortunately I was in a hotel room in Denver missing the entire thing.

My husband, however, went up to the hospital and gave my nephew some kisses for me (and took these fantastic photos). He also walked their dog, trimmed their bushes, helped fix their a.c. There is no doubt that he is a good guy.

J and I are headed up to their house this evening so that I can finally meet this sweet little bundle.

quiet

via (rockstar diaries)

Sorry it's been so quiet around here lately. I have been swamped at work and even though only a little while ago I mused about all the non-fertility topics that I could write about, well I just haven't done it yet.

By way of an update my younger brother is about to have his very first baby due this Friday. My older brother just announced that they are expecting their second baby in March.

I'm truly thrilled (honestly, my family makes really, really, really cute kids) to continue on in the role of aunt, but I'm really hoping this recent waive of baby is contagious, because I'd prefer the title of mom.

So I'm at DPO 3, right in the midst of the "agony of the wait." We attempted another progesterone-only cycle. Hoping that it's what is needed.

Now, I'm off to Colorado on a very last minute business trip. I'm excited because it's a state that I've never been to, but think that I will love. Though, I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I'll be back in time to personally welcome my newest nephew into the world . . .

To everyone reading out there. Thank you so much for the support. It means so much.