gala. (via Elle Moss)

The days have been coming and going. Slipping by seemingly without any change, yet marking time.

Last week was my birthday. I'm not one for making a big fuss about it and I don't mind becoming a year older. What I do mind, however, are odd numbers. I just turned 31, though I'd prefer to skip right on over to 32. It has a much better ring to it, don't you think?

More importantly, and despite how much I do not want to acknowledge it, I am reaching a milestone that is bigger than a birthday.

This is the cycle. The one that sticks you with that label - infertile - Unlucky Number 12. Despite being an even number, it is not one that I'm particularly fond of right now. And wouldn't you know it, on this most pivotal of times, my lovely husband once again had to fly off for a business trip. So, I fear there will be no climactic ending for this cycle . . .

I really hoped it would not take this long.


  1. Happy Birthday! And don't get too down about the cycle number. It really is just a number, and I don't think means much in the grand scheme of things.

  2. Thanks Silya. My rationale-self knows that it's just a number. My emotional-self hates that number.

  3. 31 was a lucky year for me (30, 29, 28 not so much)....I hope it will be for you too. :)

    By the way, thank you SO much for the N.O. tips. I printed them out, and will probably email you when the time gets closer.

    Have a wonderful week. xo

  4. I remember that fated cycle #12 well. It IS just a number, but the weight of it is very real when you are longing for your child.

    Only you can truly decide whether having that label or diagnosis will be harmful or helpful in all this and then only you can decide whether to take it on. Sometimes it helps to have a name for what you are going through...but it is your choice to embrace that name. Does that make any sense?

    I guess I am just trying to be a gentle reminder that this is your unique journey to becoming a family, be careful about dates and cycles and numbers and labels imposed by others. You are the teller and the keeper of your story. Hope this is helpful and not some stupid assvice - if it is the latter, please toss it in the garbage! :)

  5. Yes, cycle 12 does feel like a sad milestone. :( I'm sorry it's here for you. Hopefully there won't be too many more!

  6. i love your blog
    your thoughts and collecting of things
    pretty images


  7. the even and odd numbers don't bother me so much....but i do like things to be symmetrical ;)

    i hope this is *the* time for you