blanket

via (me)

Oh my. It's been so long that I nearly forgot how to post pictures. It took three attempts, but slowly, it all came back.

These shots are a bit dated, from right before the holidays when DC was washed with snow. It was glorious.

We knew it was coming so the evening before, a Friday, we braved the just-before-Christmas-rush and picked up all manner of holiday delights including a tree and its trimmings, presents for the family, groceries, etc. all in an attempt to make our home a little more cheery for our guests.

That next morning we woke up to a very thick blanket of white. We suited up and took our dogs to the neighborhood dog park for a rolicking good time. We came home and had pancakes and hot chocolate for breakfast. A breakfast that was so good, we repeated it for the next two days.

I don't think that we left the house that Saturday. Content to set up twinkle lights, make homemade soup with garden fresh (um, frozen) herbs, listen to Christmas music and build a toasty fire. Despite my previous complaints that there was so much that we needed to get done before our family came to town, it was so good to pause.

White Christmas

This Christmas, all of my family--well most of my family--is coming to town. Now that we finally have enough room, we're hosting for the holidays. I would be thrilled about it, but right before Thanksgiving, my work more or less exploded. Meaning that we haven't done a single thing.

No tree, no ornaments, no lights, no menu, not to mention a serious lack of furniture

We were planning on sorting it all out this weekend. Sure, a little last minute, but at least it was a plan. That was until my husband came told me, with nothing but delight in his voice, that it could snow up to 10 inches tomorrow. Now this is DC, so there's still the very likely chance that we'll get no snow at all, but if things go the way they have been going for me over the last couple of weeks, we're going to have a can't-leave-your-home-to-do-your-900-errands kind of a blizzard. Goodbye plan.

I'm thinking that our decorations (with or without a snow squall) are going to be a bit lackluster, so I'm going to need to distract our dear guests with food and drink. And since they may be eating it on the floor, it's going to have to be really delicious food and drink.
Does anyone have any really tasty holiday recipes they'd like to share to help a seriously floundering gal out?

*************************************************************************************

Above are some shots of my burgeoning belly. I was diligently documenting it each week, but took a hiatus when it seemed that nothing much was changing. Now that I can no longer comfortably fit into my pants, I figure it's time to break out the camera again . . .and yes, that is the mouse keeping me company.

emerging

via (lotte scott)

Hello. So nice to see you again. It was far too long, but, I needed to take that break from posting.

I suppose that I didn't really know how I would react to being pregnant.

I'm typically quite an optimistic person and I attribute that to my uncanny ability to compartmentalize any worry and more or less brush it aside.

But the worry associated with this particular little bean was unshakable. Really rather consuming. I've basically been a bit of a wreck. Compounded by the fact that we were keeping it all a secret from family and friends.

But, the secret is out.

And at nearly thirteen weeks, I'm feeling the anxiety loosen. Maybe it was because we saw the little one wave to us during this last sonogram, or because my belly is starting to round out, but it's all starting to feel real. real enough that I can begin writing about it again.

here's a little picture with some handy little labels:

perfect

via (danske)

I was so nervous sitting on the table right before our second ultrasound.

my heart was racing, my stomach in knots (but, also oddly feeling like it was floating), adrenaline coursing.

then the words I have been longing to hear

"perfect"

we have a perfect little, tiny baby.

with a perfect little, tiny heartbeat ticking away at 134 beats/minute.

a heartbeat!

and no clot.

no clot!

there were numerous congratulations and handing off of paperwork as I now am a "normal" patient.

normal patients graduate to normal obgyns.

finally.

missing

I apologize for the abrupt hiatus.

We spent the end of last week moving and our computer got boxed up a bit earlier than expected so I could not provide an update.

Before, I continue, I am still very much pregnant and for that I am most thankful. However, the ultrasound was not the magical moment I had hoped it would be. First, it was rushed. So rushed. And they didn't turn the screen all the way, so I could hardly get a look. And the nurse? said there's a pocket of fluid without providing much information. Then the RE was all concerned about the date of my last period (completely arbitrary date). I couldn't exactly remember, but I told them the date I ovulated (not an arbitrary date). She could have cared less. Bah. It was a mess.

We left the appointment with a photo of our fetal pole and a feeling of uneasiness. I got back to my office and started to google the bits of what I understood the fluid to be - a subchorionic hemorrhage. google was not reassuring. basically it is a blood clot that can either get reabsorbed by my body or cause a lot of havoc. lovely. it is also the likely culprit behind my early spotting.

After thoroughly frightening myself, I called the Dr.'s office looking for some answers. Mainly, what exactly is my little fluid abnormality called? How large is it? Should I be concerned? Anything that I should/should not be doing?

My google diagnosis was correct, it is a subchorionic hemorrhage. We are in and I quote "grey zone" and get to go back weekly for more ultrasounds in order to track the clot.
I've been having talks with my belly. Willing the clot to be absorbed and the poppy seed (now roughly a blueberry) to stick around.

Our next ultrasound is Thursday. Hope to hear some less "grey" news.

tomorrow

via (saranorris)

Tomorrow morning is our very first ultrasound.

I was devestated many months ago when I had to have an ultrasound knowing full well that there was only emptiness in my uterus.

I am wishing this time will be so very different.

I anticipate that there may be tears.

but, hopefully, it will be because I am simply awed by what we see.

reprieve

via (Lina)

I got a call from my nurse

my number is *beautiful*

more than doubled

suprisingly, a sense of relief did not wash over me.

Just a feeling of *for now*

Because as long as I continue to see spotting

this feeling pulling at my heart will not leave

it could so easily all go away.

I truly appreciate all of your comments, prayers and good thoughts. They mean so much to me.

shit.
more spotting.
please go away.
please.
another beta tomorrow morning.

oh boy.

via (emersonmade)

I couldn't help myself. I just could not. After hearing the good word from my nurse last Thursday, I could not control the compulsion to purchase this little mouse. As a gift. For our baby. Something about that cute little belly and flopped ear. I don't know. I told you, I couldn't help myself.

Then the weekend rolled around and my husband took off to Alaska for a business trip until Friday. I drove him to the airport early on Sunday morning. Later that morning, I was in the loo and I *swore* that I saw some tinged discharge (I still have to pop these progesterone supplements and they discharge. oh boy, do they discharge). I *did* see tinge.

Next, I became a wreck for the following reasons:

One: Nothing. Ever. Good. Comes. From. Spotting. At least not my spotting. I've had a lot of it, so I'm something of a spotting expert and I fear spotting. Fear it a lot.

Two: There was no one for me to tell. No one at all. We haven't shared the news of our little poppy seed with anyone. My husband was in the air for the next three hours only to touch down briefly and get back up for another four. Panicked isolation.

Three: I knew buying that mouse was premature. Knew. It.

I knew that I couldn't do anything about it at that point. I tried to remember that, to surrender to a what will be, will be calm, but let me tell you that is much easier said than done.

Fortunately, my third beta was today. It should have been at least 500.

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

It was 710.

and no further tinge sightings.

giddy

via (anuk.marek)


It doubled! My second beta is 125!

Undoubtedly, there is still a long way to go.

But, for the first time since seeing those glorious double lines, I'm feeling a little giddy.

via (Laurence 2)

It's raining, we have no more umbrellas, one lost, one taken, the right cuff of my pants fell out, paper clips aren't an effective solution, I don't know if I will make it until this afternoon, when we find out the results of the second beta, please stick.

please stick.

via (bliss)

I got the results of my first beta.

62.1 at DPO13

I sure do hope its a keeper.

to dream

For so long this has been such an impossibility.

So although it doesn't seem at all real, this is my new reality.

I can't yet say it out loud, so I'll write it down very quietly.

I am pregnant

I am terrified and thrilled. but most of all thankful. very, very thankful.

centered

via (remodelista)

Thank you for all of your kind and wise words. They help so very much.

This morning, I feel much less preoccupied.

more centered.

very happy.

Too bad I can't always pull the brakes on that runaway train of thoughts.

circles

via (sophie cuvelier)

waiting. waiting. waiting.

I try to stay distracted. To focus on anything and everything else. But it is simply unavoidable.

Maybe I am. I'm sure I'm not. What are we going to do next? Maybe there won't be a next. When should we start thinking about adoption? Domestic? International? Maybe I am. I'm sure I'm not.

over and over. around and around.

It's enough to drive someone crazy. It might be driving me crazy.

I don't know why some cycles are so much harder than others.

This one is brutal.

generations

via (NicaMom)

The weekend is almost here and I'm very much looking forward to this one.

Tomorrow is my newest nephew's baptism and family members that I don't get to see too often are coming, including my Grandma. She's 92 and my most favorite person in the world. We just understand each other and that is a rare and special thing. I love her so much and really cherish every minute we get to spend together.

Surely, this weekend will be a bit bittersweet. My Grandma will be meeting this great grandson for the first time and snuggling her other one. Lucky little lads. I will just have to keep on hoping that someday our babies will get that same chance.

My brother lives a bit to the north of us. We were up there last weekend and already the leaves were being kissed with color. Maybe, on our way home, we'll be able to make a little trip to pick up some apples from the orchard. Maybe fall's not so bad after all.

slipped away

via (abless)

I know. I know.

Summer has slipped into fall. But I just can't help myself. I want to linger in those long, warm days a little while longer. But seeing as I reached for a jacket this morning and have been eating oatmeal regularly - truely fall indicators - I suppose this picture will have to do.

My husband and I decided that we'd take a vacation from interventions this cycle. Given my startlingly early ovulation, disappointing lining and failed iui, I felt like I had some questions about what to do next. However, with the blur of home ownership/home selling, I didn't have enough answers. I don't feel comfortable blindly walking into a new treatment or repeating the same. So, no meds for me.

Just some good old fashioned love.

Gone Fishing

Sadly, our camping trip never happened this past weekend. Our good friend and outdoor companion came down with the flu, so we decided to postpone our adventure for another day.

We did, however, take to the *wild* and had a little fishing expedition on the Potomac.

It was a very nice afternoon.

via (me)

we interrupt my infertility to bring you

(gap)

the best cords. ever.

The fit is fantastic (beyond comfortable), the colors are so good (the yellow is pretty amazing) and the price is perfect (I got mine for an additional $15 off).

Cords might be one of the few things that I look forward to as summer drifts into fall. And stumbling upon this pair makes the transition that much more tolerable.

pump the positivity?

via (i_hear_noises')

This was easy to feel when I was strolling in the gorgeous weekend weather with my pups, working with my husband to pull our place together, thinking about all of the wonderful things that we have going for us.

Good families, good jobs, good relationship.

of course it could be worse.

but, as good as it is, it remains incomplete.

f it.

via (laurence 2)

This was how I felt/feel towards my fertility situation after yet another negative test.

f-you fertility.

distractions

via (Charles Fredrik)

Our labor day weekend might not have been relaxing, but it was successful. We managed to perform a much needed *face lift* on our bathroom, complete (almost) a patch on a plaster wall, and declutter our apartment (for the most part). All that's left (ha) is to touch up some paint, move the clutter to a temporary storage unit, attempt a *face lift* on the kitchen, install new shades and clean, clean, clean.

While I don't particularly look forward to sanding spackle after a long day of work, all of this home improvement business has pretty effectively distracted me from the loathsome two week wait. I'm at DPO 6. just waiting. and wishing.

Thanks for all of the congratulations on the house. It really is a fine place and happily, the home inspection, conducted earlier this morning revealed that there are no big issues!

labor day

via (Matt?!)

There will be no weekend trip to the ocean for us this labor day weekend. Instead, there will be lots of spackling, painting and other home improvements - all intended to spruce up our current apartment. and get it sold.

because

we

got

the

house

amazing!

so long city life?

Yesterday really was quite a whirlwind.

I had intended to take the morning off from work. There is no medical need to do that after an IUI - at all - but I thought it might be nice to go home, relax and will the meeting of sperm and egg. However, my blackberry kept nagging me with all kinds of things that could only be done, in-person, at my office. No rest for the TTC-weary.

Then, after the day that I thought would never end, my husband and I . . .

put in an offer on our first house!?!?!

It's really a nugget of a little home. We fell in love at the open house this past weekend, went back for another walk-thru Monday night and then took the plunge yesterday. What sealed the deal, aside from being a pretty darn ideal property, was the fact that there are tons of young families in the neighborhood. On our second walk-thru, we showed up around 7:30 and the streets were full of families taking walks, riding bicycles, etc.

It's definitely a move to a more suburban spot - we currently are in DC-proper in a super neighborhood, but could never afford a similar house in the area.

Due to some extenuating circumstances (current owner of the house is in the hospital) we might not know whether the offer is accepted until tomorrow.

more waiting.

Until then, a preview (please don't let the posting of these pictures somehow jinx our offer)

I'm an enormous fan of having upstairs bedrooms. I attribute this irrational desire to growing up in a split-level ranch.

I am also an enormous fan of nook entrances and front doors with little windows.

A fireplace seems wonderful, especially now that the weather is starting to crisp up.

Oh, office, with your windows, so maybe, just maybe I can revive the 31 year-old Christmas cactus that is dying a little more each day. The succulent was a present to my husband's mother when he was born and then given to me by my mother-in-law, no doubt as a sneaky test. A test, which by the looks of its withered state, I am failing miserably.

We currently have a galley kitchen that is so narrow I cannot open either the refrigerator or dishwasher. Enough said. Except, maybe I should mention that I'm also an enormous fan of having a window over the sink.

Considering that this house is from the 40's, the bedrooms are all unusually roomy.

Not to mention cozy.

And there's space for a garden.

It really is too good to be true.

projecting

(via MonikaElenaPhoto)

Much has transpired since I last updated.

Last Thursday, I went to my appointment for blood work and an ultrasound. Everything looked normal, so after clearing some pretty hefty bureaucratic hurdles (aren't the biological ones enough) and swiping my debit card for a cool $1200, the iui was on. I was scheduled for a monitoring appointment this coming Saturday, to watch for ovulation. However, on both Sunday and Monday mornings, my home monitor indicated a high reading. Back to the RE's office I went, being afraid that if we waited until Saturday, we'd completely miss ovulation.

At first, the nurse(s) and Dr. were very skeptical about the accuracy of my monitor. At that point, I was only a week into my cycle and that is EARLY for ovulation. But, lo and behold the ultrasound revealed a mature follicle and the blood work confirmed that I was "surging".

I picked up and self-administered (after a small pep talk) a trigger shot last night, along with ANOTHER drug to help fluff up my uterine lining. So many drugs for someone that rarely likes to take advil.

This morning, my husband departed for the RE's office to *contribute* his part only to find out that due to renovations, there was no longer a collection room. What?!? He had to race back home, do what was needed and then race back down to drop off the sample. Talk about pressure.

I showed up an hour later, was told that despite the craziness that ensued earlier that morning the *sample* was stellar. Before I knew it, the iui was done.

************************************************************************************

I'm not feeling particularly optimistic about the outcome. Realistically, given the paltry state of my lining, the iui is not likely to be successful. However, I think that I/we have learned a lot from this little exercise. I very much hope that this knowledge will inform any future cycles so that one day the picture I posted can be of me and not some stranger that I wish was me.

support

(uncredited)


I know that when I started writing about our struggles to start a family, I was hoping that it would be a somewhat therapeutic experience. an outlet. for something that I was too afraid to admit to myself. but something that was beginning to suffocate me.

I'm don't think, at that time, I fully appreciated just how the support and understanding of people that I have never met would come to mean so much. You have all been so generous with your time and your thoughts, whether you are experiencing this struggle or not.

It's good to no longer feel so alone.

booties

I must confess that I am not so partial to closed-toe shoes. I am simply happier in flip flops. But, that preference poses problems as the seasons change and the temperature drops.

So, I find it rather surprising, given the aforementioned aversion to proper shoes, that I find myself recently obsessed with booties.

booties.

even the word itself is offputting.

but, nonetheless, here I sit, longing for a pair.

actually two. (at times, I can be very greedy)

This persistent new preoccupation took hold shortly after I spied this cover on one of my favorite blogs:

cover of the sundance catalog via (bliss)

so good.

I sourced this version and think it would do just fine. Kind of like an outdoor slipper. Which really is a near-cousin to the flip flop:

And then, for the occasions when I'm feeling more fancy, because I am experimenting with being more fancy, this pair is speaking to me:

I know. I know. I need to save my money now that I am acting as my own infertility insurer. But, for some reason, I just can't shake the want.

Though, maybe, if the unthinkable does occur, I can commission another one of my favorite bloggers to knit a pair of these:

via (wikstenmade)

Because maybe booties are just for babies after all.

hope

via (e m i l y ♥)

The emotional journey that is infertility takes its toll after a while. It is an understatement to say that being flung back and forth between hopefulness and disappointment is difficult. It is impossible not to get discouraged.

But, at least for now, the hopefulness has returned.

Over the weekend, my husband and I discussed our options. While they are far from ideal, we've made the decision to move forward with a clomid/iui. The monitoring that occurs during this process was the deciding factor. I'm starting to feel more and more like there is a potential implantation issue. Ultrasounds will confirm that I actually ovulate and will also be able to provide information about the "state" of my uterine lining. My health insurance doesn't cover any of this. Since we would be paying for all of these monitoring costs already, our doctor suggesting that it might make sense to go ahead and add the "insemination" part.

The logic makes sense to us.

I just called and made the appointment.

I have blood work and an ultrasound scheduled for this Thursday.

I feel hopeful that regardless of whether the iui portion is successful, at least we may have more answers than we do now.

Here's to hoping. Please stop letting us down.

via (mirjan.)

maybe it's the rain. maybe it's because I have to work all weekend. but, i'm pretty sure that it's because, for the first time, I'm truly starting to realize that this isn't going to happen.

at least, not the way that I had thought.

i've been pushing down the truth. however, at least for today, it's not letting me brush it aside.

but, how can i make the decisions i'm facing when i don't have the information much less the answers.

i feel so discouraged.

so very sad.

again

via (we heart it)

shit.

tears at work.

again.

another negative.

almost able to hold it in.

but feeling so overwhelmed.

sweet

via (me)


Our weekend with the little guy was wonderful.

My sister-in-law had a relatively smooth pregnancy, but there were complications during her labor.

A knot in the umbilical cord had tightened to the point where due to a lack of oxygen the baby's heartbeat stopped. As my brother tells the story, it was a tense couple of minutes as the doctor (thankfully, very calmly) took control of the situation and literally pulled him out. It was later reported that the doctor wasn't certain that there would have been enough time to do an emergency c-section if the pulling was unsuccessful.

A story like that makes you realize just how fragile life can be. Thankfully, this life is also amazing.

It was so lovely to see how naturally my younger brother and his wife assumed their roles as mommy and daddy. A perfect little family.

I don't know if there is anything sweeter than a newborn yawn.

brand new

via (me)

That little love is my brand new nephew.

When my phone rang at 3:00 am Thursday morning, I was hit with a combination of excitement and disappointment. I was so thrilled that the little man was about to make his arrival, but unfortunately I was in a hotel room in Denver missing the entire thing.

My husband, however, went up to the hospital and gave my nephew some kisses for me (and took these fantastic photos). He also walked their dog, trimmed their bushes, helped fix their a.c. There is no doubt that he is a good guy.

J and I are headed up to their house this evening so that I can finally meet this sweet little bundle.

quiet

via (rockstar diaries)

Sorry it's been so quiet around here lately. I have been swamped at work and even though only a little while ago I mused about all the non-fertility topics that I could write about, well I just haven't done it yet.

By way of an update my younger brother is about to have his very first baby due this Friday. My older brother just announced that they are expecting their second baby in March.

I'm truly thrilled (honestly, my family makes really, really, really cute kids) to continue on in the role of aunt, but I'm really hoping this recent waive of baby is contagious, because I'd prefer the title of mom.

So I'm at DPO 3, right in the midst of the "agony of the wait." We attempted another progesterone-only cycle. Hoping that it's what is needed.

Now, I'm off to Colorado on a very last minute business trip. I'm excited because it's a state that I've never been to, but think that I will love. Though, I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I'll be back in time to personally welcome my newest nephew into the world . . .

To everyone reading out there. Thank you so much for the support. It means so much.